Quorthon and Spooky Guy had their day in court and found guilty of gross grossness. But Shyster Pettifogger, their lawyer, said the case would be appealed to the Netherworld Supreme Court due to irregularities such as Lyanne Sakks giving the judge a lap dance during the trial.
The Rev. Jimmy Reptile was led by Nervous Norvis to the Ataraxia Healing Garden where a miracle brought his sight back!
Dr. Schitz and Enditall the witch were seen partying and even getting very cozy together until late in the night we discovered that Enditall passed out and the good doctor had to take her in as a patient. Or was this just a ploy? Is he up to something more? He is considered to be a "mad doctor" and lacking ethics.
After being rendered blind from Cheesemeister's new flashing hair style (seen in previous article), Rev. Jimmy Reptile wondered into the road causing wrecks in several locations as motorists swerved to avoid striking him. Here we see him with his cane after one such incident. Reptile was unscathed saying "God is my guide."
Cheesemeister got her hair colored, and colored, and colored! We couldn't find out who her hair dresser is. Maybe she will tell.
by Lammy
Now that boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. is interested in me since he found out that sheep are browsers, and that has something to do with computers. And he was especially interested in me because I chew a cud and he likewise like to chew, but he likes bubble gum.
I have four stomachs and puke up what I eat into my mouth to chew it some more. It is a close relation to anorexia when they eat and then throw it up or "toss their cookies" for fear of gaining weight. But they don't swallow their vomit like me.
They call us ruminants which means we ruminate our food and likewise I ruminate thoughts like vomiting them and chewing and then swallowing and then barfing again and swallowing. I don't mean to be redundant, but us sheep are that way because we are ruminants and we regurgitate our food and thoughts and then quaff the slimy puke or embellished original ideas.
I hadn't realized how great things could be the second time around until Enditall turned my head into a lamb's head and made me a ruminant.
Masticating is really fun! I got so I masticate a whole lot. I regurgitate, masticate, then suck it down my throat only to start the cycle again. It is like recycling food or ideas, this ruminating behavior. But eventually all good things must end and I shit.
During heshe night at the Happy Wiener, Rev. Jimmy Reptile and Congressman Mark Foley were doing their act when Foley saw the Boy From S.A.C.A.D.A. The Congressman said the boy shouldn't be in a place like that and insisted on taking him home with him to protect him, but Rev. Reptile refused and took the boy back to the boy's home. Foley was outraged and said he would have the Reverend's Preaching License revoked.
Reptile said that he had thought Foley was "a trusting guy" at first, but then he had second thoughts. The boy is now safe, thanks to the Netherworld's Hero!
I was sniffing around trying to dig up something when I saw King Smut filming a dirty movie about nuns! And one of the stars was Sexy Sadie. I thought she would look a lot different than that.
By Icy
Dusty Doggy has been chastised and sent to his doghouse without supper for the gross article and picture he posted here. It's really bad when even the porno film makers like Filthy Fred are disgusted by the sight. Dusty tried to defend himself by saying he was just "pushing the envelope" but we feel he was thinking so far outside the box that he entered the moronic-sphere and disgraced even the most nauseating Paparazzi.
Dusty Doggy tried to say he was "swinging the pendulum" the opposite direction from Rev. Reptile's thinking, but it seems a rather extreme polarization of ideas. We felt the graphics were too graphic and Dusty Doggy retorted that being pungent and terse was his style and mode for getting his point across. But we felt his caustic art went beyond normal insanity.
Rev. Reptile told us he was a Fundamentalist Christian who took the bible very literally. We discovered this to be true when we caught him trying to be "born again" by sticking his head into a woman so far that she appeared to be pregnant.
I read something about the Spooky Guy glowing in the dark after taking Dr. Schitz's lighten-up pills, so I went over to check it out for myself. Sure enough, when I took his picture in the dark without a flash, he glowed! I can't remember exactly where I read about it, but Cheesemeister might be able to help us on the link.
Icy is so sweet, kind and innocent while Lula is so bitter, hateful and filthy minded. I am just confused in the middle between the two extremes. Could it be true that all things are in all of us. Are we all made of the same stuff, star dust? Is free will our choice to manifest the parts of us we wish to be?
Quorthon and Spooky Guy are still fighting in the future! Lyanne Sakks did an article about them in the Crappy Times and we thought we would follow it up using our time machine to see what was going on this coming December with them. I guess Lyanne wasn't lying this time.
Tron, Tom Thumb and Peter Piper, male dancers at the Happy Wiener, watch as police eject Rev. Jimmy Reptile for disrupting the performances by protesting and preaching. Reptile is reported as claiming their kind of stripping is immoral while his stripping is in the service of God.
Mr. Banana has already ordered some pre-production test shots to help him decide if he should commit to the undertaking to produce Toyplayer's Pirate Play which can be read, heard and seen on the Pansi Files in blog form.
The Disney movie "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" now ranks as the sixth highest grossing film of all time worldwide. It has taken $923.8m (£487.2m) across the globe. That is getting close to a billion dollars, which is hard to imagine for a movie! And it is enough to cause Walt Disney to thaw out and come back to life!
Mr. Banana is hoping that Toyplayer may be a "goose that lays a golden egg" with his play.
My sister disappeared about seven or eight months ago, and I put up a blog in her memory. But now someone is posting on it! And it is dirty stuff like Lula used to do! Could she be going on the Internet from somewhere? But where? I still haven't found my sister, Lula! Does anyone know? Her latest post was a picture of Lyanne Sakks of the Crappy Times. Wonder if they know something?
Here's just a hodge-podge of my thoughts:
I think that the Netherworld is the intersection of this world and the other. It's like being between uptown and downtown, you don't really know where the boundaries are!
I won six dollars on the lottery this week! I found a guaranteed way to be a winner. Don't buy any tickets! Then you'll have what you would have lost.
If thought is real, then why or how can your reality be different from mine?
If there is life after death, then wasn't there life before birth or conception?
When someone sings with Willie Nelson on one of his records, does he sing with them on one of theirs?
Is there really a Santa Clause or Easter Bunny and do I exist?
When Mrs. Weirsdo goes to sleep, does her dolls get up and dance?
Does Cheesemeister ever really go to sleep, or is part of her always awake?
Does Doug of Waking Ambrose really exist?
It appears that the Cheesemeister not only has to worry about her job, college classes, writing a novel, and person life crisis, but also has to know how to prepare the myriad of sundry meals for the peculiar variety of inhabitants of her Netherworld Hotel. Here she is preparing a meal for the Lukefiskies.
Lyanne Sakks of the Crappy Times gets error messages when she uses the computer after Dirty Dan!
I faked a backstage pass and snuck back to the Lukefiskies dressing room and caught them napping in their slimy salt water tanks of toxic waste after an exhausting performance at a Death Cheese concert.
The Cheesmeister's Netherworld Hotel had a surprise visitor recently. He was actually looking for the Curmudgeon's Club. Spooky Guy (sitting) and Alfred Packard discuss murder with him as Buzzin and Buzzoff provide dramatic background music especially for the special occation.
The Rev. Jimmy Reptile was attacked and bitten, and possibly partially eaten, by the flesh eating hamster, Brittney of the Pansi Files.
Alfred Packard and Brittney the hamster of the Pansi Files had to call out the riot squad to stop Jimmy Reptile's protest against the new human flesh burger restaurant.
Brittney the flesh eating hampster from the Pansi Files stands with cannibal Alfred Packard outside their new human-flesh restaurant watching the illiterate vegetarian zombies as they protest by the stop sign that Cheesemeister ran over.
Oh, that Dusty Doggy! Trying to snaz up his newspaper rag blog. What he really needs is to write something interesting in it. That silly headline thing is an old trick, just writing <marquee> in front of the headline, and then </marquee> after it. That's an old trick Dusty. An old trick for an old Doggy.
And it is not good for the editor of the newspaper to write bad stuff about one of his contributing writers in public like that. You are only running down your own paper, like shooting yourself in the foot! No wonder you will never have the stature of the Crappy Times or Hobbesywood Times. The captain of the ship is sinking it!
Get your shit together, Dusty Doggy! And let me use the computer so I can get the next chapter written on my novel!
The Rev. Jimmy Reptile was miraculously healed at the Petesville Church of the Pansi Files during a fine service with a special guest appearance of Jesus Himself and the angel of Joon.
Dr. Doo-Doo of the Pansi Files and Dr. Schitz discuss the sudden failing health of Rev. Jimmy Reptile.
By Lammy
I just don't feel like talking about something as personal and private as my piss problem and my woo woo thing, as Dr. Schitz calls it. He sounds so silly talking like that and is supposed to be certified like Dr. Doo Doo. I think he is full of it just as his name implies, Dr. Schitz. But what can you expect from a man probing around a woman's body. What in the world does he say to his wife when he comes home from work? "I had a hard day at the orifice." Woo woo my ass! Stupid men!
So I went to a woman doctor. Dr. Penis is a gynecologist and a urologist all rolled into one. She gave me a very thorough examination with the x-rays and sound thing and even stuck a wire in my urethra that had a camera on it so it could take pictures in there. She even had one of those red lazer pointers, but she just used it to move the red dot on a bare wall real fast trying to draw cartoon characters. She would laugh just like Woody Woodpecker. Dr. Penis told me that it was because of her laugh that her colleagues nickname her Woody.
After all the tests she told me she had good news and bad news. The bad news was that I didn't have a prostate gland and the good news was that I wasn't a man. Then she laughed like Woody Woodpecker. I didn't really get it. But it must have been something funny by the way she laughed and went on. I don't think Nurse Bawls got the joke either because she just stood there all stoic and like that. Or maybe she just heard the joke so many times from the doctor she didn't find it funny any more. I'm not sure.
She gave me some alum powder and told me if I had any problems, just powder my pee hole, but keep it away from my woo woo and my poo poo place. Then she took her lazer pointer and started waving the dot on the bare wall and the nurse just stood there all stoic like. So I left
But like I said. I don't like to talk about personal stuff like my woo woo and my pee pee and poo poo holes. This just isn't the place for such subjects. And I don't want to hear any jokes about this like people have been joking about my lamb's head! This ain't funny! It's serious stuff!
Ariel raised a very interesting question when she saw the picture on our Dogs' Daze blog that said "eyes are the windows to the soul." She mentioned the fact that dogs always first sniff butts. What do you do when you first meet someone?
If eyes are the windows of the soul, then what is the butt? The back door of the soul, perhaps? Could it be a metaphor for the dark side of the nature of living things? Do you believe all living things have a good side and a bad or dark side?
Some may say smelling butts is a sexual thing. A way to see if the other animal is in season. Do you know any humans that sniff butts? Well, both Daddy Dusty Doggy and I (Icy) have been "Bob Barkered" so to speak. Neutered! We have no interest in sex anymore. Well, we do like to lick ourselves now and then, but that's about it. Yet we still sniff other dogs' butts, and like to smell the butts and crouches of humans, too.
Do you know why we do that? Because it stinks so good! You got it! We are olfactory masochists! Do you find it exuberating to sniff stuff that is really pungent? Sort of wakes you up and gives you a lift.
We heard that the Death Cheese Band is going to put out a new record song called, "Sniff That Booty" real soon. Can't wait.
I was dumped by Axe Man of the Death Cheese for Daisy of the Pansi Files! That was the most humiliating experience in my life, almost. Well, I guess there were some more embarrassing moments I have experienced before, but I just can't think of any right now. You know how it is. I'm sure you have had embarrassing things happen to you, but when something really discombobulating is happening at the moment, you don't bother to think about other stuff that is over with. It's what is happening now that is really important to us and foremost on our mind. But sometimes when something silly is happening we do recall a similar experience and start talking about it. I guess it depends on the situation and how perturbing the present thing is that determines if we think of other blushing moments from the past.
The thing that bothers me so much about this incident is that my editor, Dusty Doggy, knew all about it. But did he tell me? Nooooooo! Instead, he wrote about it in this raggedy Ann newspaper. I mean, really! What is loyalty anyway? He could have warned me and prevented me all that embarrassment, but noooooooo! He sold out! He put it in the paper and didn't tell me so that I would look like a foolish little lamb! What is a friend, anyway? Is it something of past legends?
I mean, like my Uncle Tom in the comments telling everyone that I lied in my profile and that I am really twenty years old! And he even leaked my name, Patty Lamb! Can't we trust anyone now days? What is happening to this world? What makes people want to leak so much? I know that I have a weak bladder and have to go take a leak very often, but what is their excuse? It seems you just can't trust anyone anymore! When we trust people, they just use it for their own purposes.
They say, "Keep you friends close, but keep your enemies closer." But these days, it is hard to tell the difference!
We saw Daisy of the Pansi Files in Lammy's kitchen cooking up a lot of hot dogs. She must have a plan to foil Lammy's affair with Axe Man of Death Cheese! We'll have to check Lammy's blog tomorrow to find out what is going to happen! It should be a surprise. Don't let them give it away, Weirsdo!
This is one strange language, English! Whoever invented it must have been one weird mother tupping sadist! I mean, just take the word "laughter" for example. It means being happy and making silly noises from simple snickers to deep guffaws. It is such a delightful word. But look! Just add the letter "s" in front of it. Then it spells "slaughter" which is very different. One little letter! The joyious sounds of laughter become the screams of horror and death! Ewe! How gross! Like if we write a sentence like, "The man's laughter delighted everyone." What terrible subliminals we have there! Our subconscious would see it like "The man slaughter de-lighted everyone." The Manchurian Candidate? Or maybe not. Maybe it's just me.
Hamlet was really focused in the play by the same name by William Shakespeare. He was so focused on the death of his father that it became an obsession with him. This obsession was a "fatal flaw" in his character.
This intense focusing is called 'hyper focus'. That is one of the main symptoms of ADD in adults. The person becomes so intensely focused on one idea or thing that he has problems concentrating on other stuff, has difficulty communicating with others about other stuff, forgets and has memory problems about other stuff, has problems keeping track where his other stuff is, and has problems with relationships with others. It is sometimes called a "one track mind" or having their "head up their ass" and like that.
ADD is not a disease or a mental disorder in most cases. Just being aware of your problem you can find the solution simply in most cases with adults. But there are advantages to ADD in adults, which are: great imagination, creativity, humor, ahead of established thinking, problem solving, spontaneity, and a great passion for their interests. These largely result from intense focusing and the shutting off of impulses and other thoughts and other stuff. I think, but I'm not really sure.
I want to pay tribute to my favorite writer, the screen-writer Quentin Tarantino. Yes. He is a master of dialog as well as action. Many times I have heard actors such as David Caradine, who have played Shakespeare, say that Tarantino's dialog is comparable, though we often fail to see it as we overlook his genius because it is so contemporary. We tend to hold dead people in higher esteem.
Shakespeare had the amazing ability to mix drama and comedy so that we would cry tears of sentiment with one eye while shedding tears of laughter with the other eye. It is not merely coincident that we see so many comedians imitate the scene of Hamlet holding the skull and speaking of poor Uric. Naturally we would not be able to discern the identity of a person by just perceiving a bare skull, and untrained people most likely couldn't even tell if it was a man's head or that of an ape. But Hamlet was being silly in context of his character of a bipolar adult with attention deficient disorder. So at the same time as being amused by Hamlet's brashness, we are touched by the dramatic feeling of remembering a loved one.
It is in this way that Tarantino's characters' speeches are so entertaining. I love the dialog in his movies such as 'Reservoir Dogs' where the crooks are planning a dangerous heist but squabble about their code names like "Mr. Pink" saying his name sounds so sissy-like, and then haggling because he doesn't want to leave a tip for the waitress even though the Boss is paying for the meal. Or the hit men who are about to kill some young guys who double-crossed the head drug dealer who discuss why they have to call the Quarter Pounder a Royale in France because of the metric system in the movie 'Pulp Fiction'. And in the flick, 'Kill Bill', we have that long speech comparing Superman's type of secret identity with that of Batman or Spiderman. And when Ulma Thurman is buried alive in a wood casket and remembers how her curmudgeon karate master made her learn how to bust a board with her bare knuckles with only a three inch punch, then she busts the top of the casket and climbs out of the grave and walks across the desert to an all night diner, covered in dust and dirt, sits at the counter proudly and asks for a glass of water.
It is this subtle mix of asinine comedy in the midst of drama that is so cool. Or at least I think so. Maybe not. But at least I wrote my first feature article for the Asinine News! It's a start, anyway! This may not fair very well at all in a language arts class, but then again, I have seen very few newspaper articles that would. I'm on my way to being a real hack like Dusty Doggy and Lyanne Sakks!
We would like to welcome Lammy to our staff on Asinine News Editorials and Features. This was Dusty's idea to give her a chance to write some articles and editorials. But why does she want to come here so much? What does she have in mind. She has her own blog, but it is a fiction story blog that she writes with herself being the main character. Is she considering trying to go in a different direction and wants to use our newspaper to try new types of writing for her. Does it mean that she may soon be changing the theme of her blog and try to become more serious, or at least more realistic? Is Lammy growing up? We'll have to watch and see what kind of things she writes about here and watch to see if there is going to be some major change in her blog.
by Lammy
I am really excited and really nervous that Dusty Doggy has given me the chance and opportunity to be a writer for his newspaper. This is exciting for me and I am wringing and flipping the sweat from my hands! I am just so nervous I don't know what to write right now. But I will try to go out and get a story and be a paparazzi and snoopy writer like Dusty Doggy and Lyanne Sakks and Cuzz'n Hildie-Bob. Thank you Dusty for letting me do this!
Lyanne Sakks of the Crappy Times was so enamored with Milli Vanilli after her interview and affair with him, that she declared the toilet he used to be a shrine and swore that it would never be washed.
The opinion of this newspaper is that the Crappy Times has on it's staff a very unethical journalist who becomes involved in her stories to the point of flaunting her own illicit behavior all over the media. It's just disgusting! She even typed out the interview she had with Milli Vanilli while in the nude after her personal dirty episode with him. I know because I was peeking through their window watching every nasty thing they did! And I didn't leave until it was all over! It was just so degrading and disgusting for all journalists. I just hope she writes a book about her personal experiences with pictures, of course. That would really be disgusting!
Even though the Alien Guy left Earth with Dog Face Girl, he had no hard feelings toward Wolfies interest toward Millie Vanilli. As a matter of fact, he bought Wolfie a present to remember him by.
Hard Solo fiddles a sad tune as a backhoe scoops up trash and the body parts of Flowering Kudzu after her visit with Axe Man backstage during the Death Cheese concert. The combination ambulance and ice cream truck awaits to take Kudzu to the Blochalela Foundation of the Pansi Files to help her get her shit together.
We finally got hold of an updated fan poster of the Death Cheese. They are rare as hen's teeth because they are selling so fast. It's really a hot item! Added in the picture of the group are the latest members, Buzzoff (green) and Buzin (blue). Next to them is Soggy (gold) in front of the Wanna-bes (two guys with belt). Axe Man is in the red next to Wolfie (center). On the left are the Lukefiskies. The health dept. issued a warning that there were too many on the stage and any new members would have to be hung from the rafters.
Click Here or on the picture to hear Buzzoff play Bob Dylan's "Just Like A Woman" backwards.
You bet that The Spooky Guy, promoter of Death Cheese, was afraid! That other spooky fellow is none other than Alfred Packer, the infamous cannibal murderer. He ate other humans when he was alive, and now that he is a spook, he eats other spooks! Flee Spooky Guy, flee!
Dog Face Girl partook in Holy Communion with Rev. Jimmy Reptile in hopes that it might bring forth a miracle and restore her memory, but it appears to have been all in vain. She is still lost and dazed and confused, unable to recall anything about herself or her past.
I saw my daughter, Icy, and Soggy of Death Cheese coming out of Ugly Grace's and it appeared they were more than just friendly. Unfortunately I didn't have my digital camera, so I had to use an old 50-year-old Kodak Brownie that still had a roll of 620 black and white pan film in it. Now that was hard to get developed. But I wanted to get this picture to show Icy's mom, the Dog Face Girl.
The Death Cheese Fan Club, consisting of 666 members, has issued their official Fan Photo Poster (kind-of) representing their idols and role models. Click on the picture to enlarge it for downloading and then print it to put on your bedroom wall.
It is definite that Rapper Eminem will be starring in the big screen movie version of the western TV series, "Have Gun Will Travel" coming out next year. He will also produce the music for the flick. So, Mr. Banana of the Pansi Files, not to be outdone, has signed Rapper Diamonelle to star in the remake of "The Sound of Music" which will also feature Death Cheese, the band that will produce the music for that flick. We are now awaiting the announcement of the video games paralleling the flicks.
After a party with the Death Cheese, we got this photo of the Cheesemeister wearing her flashy red and yellow parachute pants.
The brilliant and multi-tasking Mr. Banana of the Pansi Files has saved the day again for the movie project, "Plan 9 From the NetherWorld." It had been shut down because Holle, the grandniece of Wolfie of the Death Cheese kept flashing and exposing herself during shooting. After reading about the Frick'n laser that the Chinese have developed to dissipate clouds during the Olympics to prevent rain, Mr. Banana somehow got hold of one and plans to use it to shoot and dissipate Holle whenever she tries to strip in front of the camera during a shoot. That man is a genius when it comes to getting a job done!
As Hard Solo was playing his violin in the front yard of the Weirsdo Mansion, Lammy suddenly barged into the scene and began vying for Solo's attention from Mall Diva. Latest reports indicate that Lammy is in fair condition in the hospital wing of the Blochalela Foundation under the care of Dr. Doo Doo.
It is the opinion of this rag that Lammy is getting what she deserves. She has brought all this upon herself with her snotty attitude. First she snubbed Harry to go with the Axe Man of the Death Cheese Group and then rejected him without provocation. Then she teased Agelon of the Pansi Files, but was blatantly spurned by him. She also screwed up her chances with the nice Sandwich Head Man. After finally being turned away from her attempts at a same sex affair with cult leader Brittney (also of Pansi Files), she has been spotted carousing outside Ugly Grace's late at night with Flowering Kudzu.
An un-named source close to the Cheesemeister has sent us this photo of Alvin being attacked by the Nutty Squirrel at the Death Cheese secret cabin.
This picture is of Pansi, and here is her audio version of her poem. She wants to be able to return to the Library to recite stories on audio for all of us to enjoy, but it seems that Mall Diva is the curator and has had a dispute with her. We beg all of you to go to Mall Diva's blog and ask her to allow Pansi to return to the library and share with us her delightful stories on audio.
I went to that "dive" called Ugly Grace's thinking I would get enough material to write several columns about that place as well as the Death Cheese and observe the Lutefiskies. But I woke up in the gutter and can't remember anything except the food. It was Lutefish in honor of the Lutefiskies. But it was like eating oysters that had been regergitated by several other patrons before me. After I gagged on it and tossed it, they scooped it off the floor and served it to the next table. I think they were Lammy and Angelon of the Pansi Files or else it was Harry and Hermione. I'm not for sure about anything concerning that night. I had forgotten about Daisy divorcing Angelon, but after seeing him gobble down that Lukefish crap I can well understand. It sure didn't taste as good as hotdogs!
I am still trying to figure out what happened to me that night. I think the Death Cheese started playing and a black hole opened up and I was sucked in.
Yes! Doug of Waking Ambrose has a new Best Seller book out! It is called Sleeping With Ambrose - Unabridged. That is a tricky title because people think it says under the bridge and that is why so many ran out to buy it.
Actually it is just a list of every word that is in the dictionary, but the definitions are left blank with space so that you can write in your own definition. Cool, huh? It is sort of like L. Ron Hubbards book that he made which had the Titles of all the books of the Bible and the Chapters and the verses, but the text was left blank so that you could write in your own and make your own version of the Bible and start your own religion.
The Publisher, Mr. Banana of the Pansi Files, who has his hand in everything now days, said that Doug made the book specifically for his special love, Pansi. Exactly the kind of book she likes, no writing in it!
So rush out and get your copy. We recommend it as a dandy door stop.
Hey Poop Poop Brain! You have been 17 ever since you were invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler. So don't act all innocent like you haven't been around the horn. You and your cohorts have been around for 47 years! As for Nurse Malibu, she was kidnapped by the strange dollyphile known only as "The Smoking Man" as seen in this photo forwarded by the notorious Mr. Indie of Indeterminacy. We lost track of any "Harry Man", but that might be Indie himself you are referring to. The above linked article from the Pansi Files shows that you had arranged that abduction of the good nurse because of your jealously over the good Dr. Doo-Doo, your husband in name and chemical only. Apparently the good nurse was returning to be with her lover and you arranged the attack of the Killer Rabbit. We also suspect that you had something to do with the attack of poor Hobbes, for God-only-knows motivations. You pill popping dopers do some kinky things for left-field, off-the-wall reasons.
