Saturday, July 29, 2006

Jimmy Reptile Protests

Alfred Packard and Brittney the hamster of the Pansi Files had to call out the riot squad to stop Jimmy Reptile's protest against the new human flesh burger restaurant.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Picket At Restaurant

Brittney the flesh eating hampster from the Pansi Files stands with cannibal Alfred Packard outside their new human-flesh restaurant watching the illiterate vegetarian zombies as they protest by the stop sign that Cheesemeister ran over.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Oh, that Dusty Doggy! Trying to snaz up his newspaper rag blog. What he really needs is to write something interesting in it. That silly headline thing is an old trick, just writing <marquee> in front of the headline, and then </marquee> after it. That's an old trick Dusty. An old trick for an old Doggy.

And it is not good for the editor of the newspaper to write bad stuff about one of his contributing writers in public like that. You are only running down your own paper, like shooting yourself in the foot! No wonder you will never have the stature of the Crappy Times or Hobbesywood Times. The captain of the ship is sinking it!

Get your shit together, Dusty Doggy! And let me use the computer so I can get the next chapter written on my novel!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Healing Church Service

The Rev. Jimmy Reptile was miraculously healed at the Petesville Church of the Pansi Files during a fine service with a special guest appearance of Jesus Himself and the angel of Joon.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

My Pee Pee Problem

By Lammy

I just don't feel like talking about something as personal and private as my piss problem and my woo woo thing, as Dr. Schitz calls it. He sounds so silly talking like that and is supposed to be certified like Dr. Doo Doo. I think he is full of it just as his name implies, Dr. Schitz. But what can you expect from a man probing around a woman's body. What in the world does he say to his wife when he comes home from work? "I had a hard day at the orifice." Woo woo my ass! Stupid men!

So I went to a woman doctor. Dr. Penis is a gynecologist and a urologist all rolled into one. She gave me a very thorough examination with the x-rays and sound thing and even stuck a wire in my urethra that had a camera on it so it could take pictures in there. She even had one of those red lazer pointers, but she just used it to move the red dot on a bare wall real fast trying to draw cartoon characters. She would laugh just like Woody Woodpecker. Dr. Penis told me that it was because of her laugh that her colleagues nickname her Woody.

After all the tests she told me she had good news and bad news. The bad news was that I didn't have a prostate gland and the good news was that I wasn't a man. Then she laughed like Woody Woodpecker. I didn't really get it. But it must have been something funny by the way she laughed and went on. I don't think Nurse Bawls got the joke either because she just stood there all stoic and like that. Or maybe she just heard the joke so many times from the doctor she didn't find it funny any more. I'm not sure.

She gave me some alum powder and told me if I had any problems, just powder my pee hole, but keep it away from my woo woo and my poo poo place. Then she took her lazer pointer and started waving the dot on the bare wall and the nurse just stood there all stoic like. So I left

But like I said. I don't like to talk about personal stuff like my woo woo and my pee pee and poo poo holes. This just isn't the place for such subjects. And I don't want to hear any jokes about this like people have been joking about my lamb's head! This ain't funny! It's serious stuff!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Stinks So Good!

Ariel raised a very interesting question when she saw the picture on our Dogs' Daze blog that said "eyes are the windows to the soul." She mentioned the fact that dogs always first sniff butts. What do you do when you first meet someone?

If eyes are the windows of the soul, then what is the butt? The back door of the soul, perhaps? Could it be a metaphor for the dark side of the nature of living things? Do you believe all living things have a good side and a bad or dark side?

Some may say smelling butts is a sexual thing. A way to see if the other animal is in season. Do you know any humans that sniff butts? Well, both Daddy Dusty Doggy and I (Icy) have been "Bob Barkered" so to speak. Neutered! We have no interest in sex anymore. Well, we do like to lick ourselves now and then, but that's about it. Yet we still sniff other dogs' butts, and like to smell the butts and crouches of humans, too.

Do you know why we do that? Because it stinks so good! You got it! We are olfactory masochists! Do you find it exuberating to sniff stuff that is really pungent? Sort of wakes you up and gives you a lift.

We heard that the Death Cheese Band is going to put out a new record song called, "Sniff That Booty" real soon. Can't wait.

Is Loyalty For Sale?

I was dumped by Axe Man of the Death Cheese for Daisy of the Pansi Files! That was the most humiliating experience in my life, almost. Well, I guess there were some more embarrassing moments I have experienced before, but I just can't think of any right now. You know how it is. I'm sure you have had embarrassing things happen to you, but when something really discombobulating is happening at the moment, you don't bother to think about other stuff that is over with. It's what is happening now that is really important to us and foremost on our mind. But sometimes when something silly is happening we do recall a similar experience and start talking about it. I guess it depends on the situation and how perturbing the present thing is that determines if we think of other blushing moments from the past.

The thing that bothers me so much about this incident is that my editor, Dusty Doggy, knew all about it. But did he tell me? Nooooooo! Instead, he wrote about it in this raggedy Ann newspaper. I mean, really! What is loyalty anyway? He could have warned me and prevented me all that embarrassment, but noooooooo! He sold out! He put it in the paper and didn't tell me so that I would look like a foolish little lamb! What is a friend, anyway? Is it something of past legends?

I mean, like my Uncle Tom in the comments telling everyone that I lied in my profile and that I am really twenty years old! And he even leaked my name, Patty Lamb! Can't we trust anyone now days? What is happening to this world? What makes people want to leak so much? I know that I have a weak bladder and have to go take a leak very often, but what is their excuse? It seems you just can't trust anyone anymore! When we trust people, they just use it for their own purposes.

They say, "Keep you friends close, but keep your enemies closer." But these days, it is hard to tell the difference!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

What Is Daisy Up To?

We saw Daisy of the Pansi Files in Lammy's kitchen cooking up a lot of hot dogs. She must have a plan to foil Lammy's affair with Axe Man of Death Cheese! We'll have to check Lammy's blog tomorrow to find out what is going to happen! It should be a surprise. Don't let them give it away, Weirsdo!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Frolicking In The Gross

This is one strange language, English! Whoever invented it must have been one weird mother tupping sadist! I mean, just take the word "laughter" for example. It means being happy and making silly noises from simple snickers to deep guffaws. It is such a delightful word. But look! Just add the letter "s" in front of it. Then it spells "slaughter" which is very different. One little letter! The joyious sounds of laughter become the screams of horror and death! Ewe! How gross! Like if we write a sentence like, "The man's laughter delighted everyone." What terrible subliminals we have there! Our subconscious would see it like "The man slaughter de-lighted everyone." The Manchurian Candidate? Or maybe not. Maybe it's just me.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Hamlet Was Really Focused

Hamlet was really focused in the play by the same name by William Shakespeare. He was so focused on the death of his father that it became an obsession with him. This obsession was a "fatal flaw" in his character.

This intense focusing is called 'hyper focus'. That is one of the main symptoms of ADD in adults. The person becomes so intensely focused on one idea or thing that he has problems concentrating on other stuff, has difficulty communicating with others about other stuff, forgets and has memory problems about other stuff, has problems keeping track where his other stuff is, and has problems with relationships with others. It is sometimes called a "one track mind" or having their "head up their ass" and like that.

ADD is not a disease or a mental disorder in most cases. Just being aware of your problem you can find the solution simply in most cases with adults. But there are advantages to ADD in adults, which are: great imagination, creativity, humor, ahead of established thinking, problem solving, spontaneity, and a great passion for their interests. These largely result from intense focusing and the shutting off of impulses and other thoughts and other stuff. I think, but I'm not really sure.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Tribute To Quentin Tarantino

I want to pay tribute to my favorite writer, the screen-writer Quentin Tarantino. Yes. He is a master of dialog as well as action. Many times I have heard actors such as David Caradine, who have played Shakespeare, say that Tarantino's dialog is comparable, though we often fail to see it as we overlook his genius because it is so contemporary. We tend to hold dead people in higher esteem.

Shakespeare had the amazing ability to mix drama and comedy so that we would cry tears of sentiment with one eye while shedding tears of laughter with the other eye. It is not merely coincident that we see so many comedians imitate the scene of Hamlet holding the skull and speaking of poor Uric. Naturally we would not be able to discern the identity of a person by just perceiving a bare skull, and untrained people most likely couldn't even tell if it was a man's head or that of an ape. But Hamlet was being silly in context of his character of a bipolar adult with attention deficient disorder. So at the same time as being amused by Hamlet's brashness, we are touched by the dramatic feeling of remembering a loved one.

It is in this way that Tarantino's characters' speeches are so entertaining. I love the dialog in his movies such as 'Reservoir Dogs' where the crooks are planning a dangerous heist but squabble about their code names like "Mr. Pink" saying his name sounds so sissy-like, and then haggling because he doesn't want to leave a tip for the waitress even though the Boss is paying for the meal. Or the hit men who are about to kill some young guys who double-crossed the head drug dealer who discuss why they have to call the Quarter Pounder a Royale in France because of the metric system in the movie 'Pulp Fiction'. And in the flick, 'Kill Bill', we have that long speech comparing Superman's type of secret identity with that of Batman or Spiderman. And when Ulma Thurman is buried alive in a wood casket and remembers how her curmudgeon karate master made her learn how to bust a board with her bare knuckles with only a three inch punch, then she busts the top of the casket and climbs out of the grave and walks across the desert to an all night diner, covered in dust and dirt, sits at the counter proudly and asks for a glass of water.

It is this subtle mix of asinine comedy in the midst of drama that is so cool. Or at least I think so. Maybe not. But at least I wrote my first feature article for the Asinine News! It's a start, anyway! This may not fair very well at all in a language arts class, but then again, I have seen very few newspaper articles that would. I'm on my way to being a real hack like Dusty Doggy and Lyanne Sakks!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Welcome To The Staff, Lammy

We would like to welcome Lammy to our staff on Asinine News Editorials and Features. This was Dusty's idea to give her a chance to write some articles and editorials. But why does she want to come here so much? What does she have in mind. She has her own blog, but it is a fiction story blog that she writes with herself being the main character. Is she considering trying to go in a different direction and wants to use our newspaper to try new types of writing for her. Does it mean that she may soon be changing the theme of her blog and try to become more serious, or at least more realistic? Is Lammy growing up? We'll have to watch and see what kind of things she writes about here and watch to see if there is going to be some major change in her blog.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

My Big Chance

by Lammy

I am really excited and really nervous that Dusty Doggy has given me the chance and opportunity to be a writer for his newspaper. This is exciting for me and I am wringing and flipping the sweat from my hands! I am just so nervous I don't know what to write right now. But I will try to go out and get a story and be a paparazzi and snoopy writer like Dusty Doggy and Lyanne Sakks and Cuzz'n Hildie-Bob. Thank you Dusty for letting me do this!

Lyanne's Shrine To Milli Vanilli

Lyanne Sakks of the Crappy Times was so enamored with Milli Vanilli after her interview and affair with him, that she declared the toilet he used to be a shrine and swore that it would never be washed.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Unethical Writer

The opinion of this newspaper is that the Crappy Times has on it's staff a very unethical journalist who becomes involved in her stories to the point of flaunting her own illicit behavior all over the media. It's just disgusting! She even typed out the interview she had with Milli Vanilli while in the nude after her personal dirty episode with him. I know because I was peeking through their window watching every nasty thing they did! And I didn't leave until it was all over! It was just so degrading and disgusting for all journalists. I just hope she writes a book about her personal experiences with pictures, of course. That would really be disgusting!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Alien Left Gift For Wolfie

Even though the Alien Guy left Earth with Dog Face Girl, he had no hard feelings toward Wolfies interest toward Millie Vanilli. As a matter of fact, he bought Wolfie a present to remember him by.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Pull Yourself Together, Girl

Hard Solo fiddles a sad tune as a backhoe scoops up trash and the body parts of Flowering Kudzu after her visit with Axe Man backstage during the Death Cheese concert. The combination ambulance and ice cream truck awaits to take Kudzu to the Blochalela Foundation of the Pansi Files to help her get her shit together.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Updated Fan Poster of Death Cheese

We finally got hold of an updated fan poster of the Death Cheese. They are rare as hen's teeth because they are selling so fast. It's really a hot item! Added in the picture of the group are the latest members, Buzzoff (green) and Buzin (blue). Next to them is Soggy (gold) in front of the Wanna-bes (two guys with belt). Axe Man is in the red next to Wolfie (center). On the left are the Lukefiskies. The health dept. issued a warning that there were too many on the stage and any new members would have to be hung from the rafters.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Buzzoff's music

Click Here or on the picture to hear Buzzoff play Bob Dylan's "Just Like A Woman" backwards.

Spooks Scared of Spooks?

You bet that The Spooky Guy, promoter of Death Cheese, was afraid! That other spooky fellow is none other than Alfred Packer, the infamous cannibal murderer. He ate other humans when he was alive, and now that he is a spook, he eats other spooks! Flee Spooky Guy, flee!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Still No Memory

Dog Face Girl partook in Holy Communion with Rev. Jimmy Reptile in hopes that it might bring forth a miracle and restore her memory, but it appears to have been all in vain. She is still lost and dazed and confused, unable to recall anything about herself or her past.