Thursday, July 20, 2006

My Pee Pee Problem

By Lammy

I just don't feel like talking about something as personal and private as my piss problem and my woo woo thing, as Dr. Schitz calls it. He sounds so silly talking like that and is supposed to be certified like Dr. Doo Doo. I think he is full of it just as his name implies, Dr. Schitz. But what can you expect from a man probing around a woman's body. What in the world does he say to his wife when he comes home from work? "I had a hard day at the orifice." Woo woo my ass! Stupid men!

So I went to a woman doctor. Dr. Penis is a gynecologist and a urologist all rolled into one. She gave me a very thorough examination with the x-rays and sound thing and even stuck a wire in my urethra that had a camera on it so it could take pictures in there. She even had one of those red lazer pointers, but she just used it to move the red dot on a bare wall real fast trying to draw cartoon characters. She would laugh just like Woody Woodpecker. Dr. Penis told me that it was because of her laugh that her colleagues nickname her Woody.

After all the tests she told me she had good news and bad news. The bad news was that I didn't have a prostate gland and the good news was that I wasn't a man. Then she laughed like Woody Woodpecker. I didn't really get it. But it must have been something funny by the way she laughed and went on. I don't think Nurse Bawls got the joke either because she just stood there all stoic and like that. Or maybe she just heard the joke so many times from the doctor she didn't find it funny any more. I'm not sure.

She gave me some alum powder and told me if I had any problems, just powder my pee hole, but keep it away from my woo woo and my poo poo place. Then she took her lazer pointer and started waving the dot on the bare wall and the nurse just stood there all stoic like. So I left

But like I said. I don't like to talk about personal stuff like my woo woo and my pee pee and poo poo holes. This just isn't the place for such subjects. And I don't want to hear any jokes about this like people have been joking about my lamb's head! This ain't funny! It's serious stuff!


Wilma Snoops said...

I'm not sure what Dr. Schitz is a doctor of but something's rotten in Denmark--or maybe Sweden--with this guy! He was the bass player in The Spooky Guy's band back in the 1980's. I think he may have misspelled Schlitz, although I'm not sure that this fine American malt liquor was ever imported to Sweden. I will have to look into his credentials--and his little black bag--to see what he's toting around in there!

cheesemeister said...

I was going to report this on my medical blog but was afraid that it might destroy my credibility!
You know what's funny? The morning DJ's on my favorite classic rock station were goofing around about douche bags on their show the other day and dared this guy to go into the drug store and ask the clerk for a douche bag. He got concert tickets for his efforts. Hell, I'd have done it if they asked me, but I can see that it was funnier to have a guy do it! That Lewis and Floorwax are always having people humiliate themselves for prizes. Of course it's only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious!

Dr. Schitz said...

Wilma, I resent your implications about my credibility and your snooping into my little black bag! Just because I am a musician doesn't mean I can't also be a doctor! The notorious are always demanding my medical expertise!

The Word Verification is Oblka. Which seems appropriate to say to you, Snoopy Wilma! One of these days we medical professionals will learn to isolate the Snoop Gene. Then where will you and Snoop Doggy Dogg be?

Brittney said...

I think you are udderly diseased.

Dr. Pepper said...

Sounds like a social disease to me!

Dr. Doo-Doo said...

Maybe hoof and mouth, man! But I still stick by pulpy kidney, to!