Sisters

Lacresha and the sinister red head, Lula, look for their sister, Lammy, in the library of Ersatz University.

Lambkin Starts School

Mia Lamb (Lambkin) the daughter of Patty Lamb (Lammy) has just started school this month and already she has two boyfiends.

Robo Dhole

Lambkin and Dirty Pirate Fairy

Patty Lamb's child. The earlier pictures of Lammy's kid was just to throw people off. The real father still has not been revealed.

Lamb Flock For Iffy

Dewey Banjer and his brother Lewdy (in underware) look over their flock of sheep, which are clones of Lammy and try to pick one out for Lord Iffy, but then they decided to give him all of them to keep him really busy for a while.

Lammy Gets Make-Over For Lord Iffy

On the LORD IFFY SHOW, Dr. Frank N. Furter and Ugly Betty were doing make-overs on the contestants who are competing for a date with Lord Iffy, a 50-year-old virgin. They had to call in Dr. Quincy, who is now doing plastic surgery in the Netherworld, to help with Lammy. She had been cursed and her head was turned into a sheep's head, so they call her Lammy. Dr. Quincy did an amazing job, but said he couldn't bob the ears. But she sure looks better now and hopes Lord Iffy will choose her for his "first time" with a female. The biggest question now is: Will the new look change her personality or will she remain a drunken slut?

Lammy Signs Message

Lammy got the job of signing the message of OBL for the hard of hearing.

Lammy Goes Dancing

Lammy finished her screenplay, and then went out dancing. The question is: "With Whom?" Hashish Henry was nowhere in sight.

Friends Chosen By Their Jeans

Dr. Fraud's latest study shows that the way we choose our friends is determined by their jeans. Read more.

Lammy Going To Space?

For some reason, the guys from the Enterprise are trying to get Lammy to go with them into space. Is it to keep her away from her Anti-Maaaaaater self down in the sewer of the Netherworld?

Click on faces in the picture to hear voice.

Lambkin Kidnapped

Lammy was overjoyed with the news that her baby had been found down on the farm as reported by Hildy-Bob (click here for her story). The excited mother rushed to hold her babe in her arms for the first time since it disappeared after birth.

But in a split second, it was gone again when Dewey Banjer slipped up from nowhere and grabbed the baby kid that is rumored to have been fathered by the Axe Man of Death Cheese. The kidnapper rode off into the swampy woods and could not be followed.

No reports yet have been filed as to the reason for the abduction. Axe Man could not be reached for comment.

Gotta Please Ourself

by Lammy

Do we have to explain ourselves to others? Is it really necessary to rationalize our thinking and behavior for the benefit of... who? Our friends? No, they don't need to hear explanations because they accept us as we are. That's why they are friends. To our critics? Naw. They won't listen anyway. They'd only take whatever we say and twist it around to their own opinions which they already have. Maybe to newbies who just happen by and don't know us? Heck, most of them don't really care and the rest will either like or dislike us and there's not really much we can convince them of as if we were a product being advertised on the market. They already have preset or preconceived notions of what they want to like or dislike.

So I guess it boils down to satisfying ourselves. The people who are like us and think like us will like us. The people who are not like us and don't think like us won't like us. Oh, I suppose it is important to put our best foot forward and try to impress people, but they will find out the real us eventually. Just like we sooner or later find out about the people trying to fool us into believing they are something they are not.

Really knowing someone takes a lot of investment of time and consideration. Unless someone is getting something out of us, they usually don't want to put in that much of an investment. Most will only skim the surface and move on. We can't capture friends. If you catch a bird, let it go and if it comes back, it likes or loves you. Just thinking.

Gals Go Wild At Ugly Grace's

Lyanne Sakks of the Crappy Times met up with Lammy and Murry Magdalene at Ugly Grace's Bar and Grill. They were having a wild time last night.

Lammy's Death Reversed

Reported by Icy

Lammy (Patty Lamb) appealed her sentence to Hell in the Superior Netherworld Court. The original judge in the case became ill so I had to go sit in for him. I was sort of hesitant to do so because Lammy is the niece of my Master Tom, so I was really in favor of her from the start. But I tried to be objective as we tried her. It was very trying.

But it all turned out good. The last to testify was Dr. Schitz and Prof. Snewgflo concerning some kind of DNA evidence which no one but themselves could comprehend. Basically, they showed that Lammy is not pregnant by the Grim Reaper. This made him and the Devil angry so they up and walked out. So all I had to do was declare her sentence null and I reversed her death so she could return to life on Earth.

I was really nervous sitting up there on the bench as they call it. Everyone kept looking at me as if I was some kind of super smart wise guy, but I actually didn't have the slightest idea of what was going on.

Lammy will have to stay at a half-way house in the Netherworld for a while to readjust to life by first being undead. She believes her sister is somewhere in the Netherworld and hopes to find her. Lula has been missing for about a year.

Lammy will still have her lamb's head when she fully returns to life. The witch Enditall cursed her and caused her head to turn into a sheep head. So the nickname "Lammy" seems appropriate for her, though she really got it from sleeping with a little puppet lamb called Lamb Chop when she was a little girl.

We want to wish Lammy all the luck in the world in finding her sister, finding who is the real father of her baby, as well as trying to get the curse reversed and getting her original head back.

I Masticate A Lot

by Lammy


Now that boy from S.A.C.A.D.A. is interested in me since he found out that sheep are browsers, and that has something to do with computers. And he was especially interested in me because I chew a cud and he likewise like to chew, but he likes bubble gum.

I have four stomachs and puke up what I eat into my mouth to chew it some more. It is a close relation to anorexia when they eat and then throw it up or "toss their cookies" for fear of gaining weight. But they don't swallow their vomit like me.

They call us ruminants which means we ruminate our food and likewise I ruminate thoughts like vomiting them and chewing and then swallowing and then barfing again and swallowing. I don't mean to be redundant, but us sheep are that way because we are ruminants and we regurgitate our food and thoughts and then quaff the slimy puke or embellished original ideas.

I hadn't realized how great things could be the second time around until Enditall turned my head into a lamb's head and made me a ruminant.

Masticating is really fun! I got so I masticate a whole lot. I regurgitate, masticate, then suck it down my throat only to start the cycle again. It is like recycling food or ideas, this ruminating behavior. But eventually all good things must end and I shit.

My Pee Pee Problem

By Lammy

I just don't feel like talking about something as personal and private as my piss problem and my woo woo thing, as Dr. Schitz calls it. He sounds so silly talking like that and is supposed to be certified like Dr. Doo Doo. I think he is full of it just as his name implies, Dr. Schitz. But what can you expect from a man probing around a woman's body. What in the world does he say to his wife when he comes home from work? "I had a hard day at the orifice." Woo woo my ass! Stupid men!

So I went to a woman doctor. Dr. Penis is a gynecologist and a urologist all rolled into one. She gave me a very thorough examination with the x-rays and sound thing and even stuck a wire in my urethra that had a camera on it so it could take pictures in there. She even had one of those red lazer pointers, but she just used it to move the red dot on a bare wall real fast trying to draw cartoon characters. She would laugh just like Woody Woodpecker. Dr. Penis told me that it was because of her laugh that her colleagues nickname her Woody.

After all the tests she told me she had good news and bad news. The bad news was that I didn't have a prostate gland and the good news was that I wasn't a man. Then she laughed like Woody Woodpecker. I didn't really get it. But it must have been something funny by the way she laughed and went on. I don't think Nurse Bawls got the joke either because she just stood there all stoic and like that. Or maybe she just heard the joke so many times from the doctor she didn't find it funny any more. I'm not sure.

She gave me some alum powder and told me if I had any problems, just powder my pee hole, but keep it away from my woo woo and my poo poo place. Then she took her lazer pointer and started waving the dot on the bare wall and the nurse just stood there all stoic like. So I left

But like I said. I don't like to talk about personal stuff like my woo woo and my pee pee and poo poo holes. This just isn't the place for such subjects. And I don't want to hear any jokes about this like people have been joking about my lamb's head! This ain't funny! It's serious stuff!

Welcome To The Staff, Lammy

We would like to welcome Lammy to our staff on Asinine News Editorials and Features. This was Dusty's idea to give her a chance to write some articles and editorials. But why does she want to come here so much? What does she have in mind. She has her own blog, but it is a fiction story blog that she writes with herself being the main character. Is she considering trying to go in a different direction and wants to use our newspaper to try new types of writing for her. Does it mean that she may soon be changing the theme of her blog and try to become more serious, or at least more realistic? Is Lammy growing up? We'll have to watch and see what kind of things she writes about here and watch to see if there is going to be some major change in her blog.

Lammy Gets Her Come-Uppens

It is the opinion of this rag that Lammy is getting what she deserves. She has brought all this upon herself with her snotty attitude. First she snubbed Harry to go with the Axe Man of the Death Cheese Group and then rejected him without provocation. Then she teased Agelon of the Pansi Files, but was blatantly spurned by him. She also screwed up her chances with the nice Sandwich Head Man. After finally being turned away from her attempts at a same sex affair with cult leader Brittney (also of Pansi Files), she has been spotted carousing outside Ugly Grace's late at night with Flowering Kudzu.